Not too long ago, when I was captured in such abusive relationship, I had always looked for a way out of my situation but was too afraid of the consequences. I searched the Web for answers and advice on how I be able to fix our relationship when I wasn't truly sure if that what I lived with was really called abuse. I was in denial and feared his wrath and most of all been made felt as if the circumstances were entirely my fault: until I found myself reading such questionnaire

Ask yourself the following and answer as many questions as you can: 

• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do and when and how?
• Embarrass you and put you down in public with friends/family and children?
• Stop you from seeing friends and family-stop you from working?
• Make all the decisions his/her way or no way policy?
• Take full charge of all the money, make you ask for money and sometimes refuse you money for vital essentials?
• Tell you always that you are a bad parent and will take the children away, tell social services about your parenting
• Destroys your property and threaten to harm pets and children?
• Make you clean and cook to his full satisfaction?
• Intimidate you with weapons such as knives and guns?
• Slap you, hit you, kick you, choke you, pulls your hair, throwing things at you and spit at you?
• Call you names?
• Forcing you to have sex when you don't want to?
• Lock you out of the house or prevent you from leaving the house?
• Take car keys away from you?
• Prevents you from calling friends and family, barring the outgoing calls?
• Threaten and use physical violence?
• Threaten to kill you?
• Threaten to commit suicide?
• Force you to prostitution/drugs?
• Force you to drop charges by using blackmail?

If you have answered "yes" to any one or more question, you may be in an abusive relationship. I advise you to seek help from a close friend (not mutual), or an agency or perhaps drop into a centre for domestic abuse and ask for help and information. Every town has such centres if you will look in your local phonebook or citizen advice bureau, civic centres or council. You can certainly find the number for drop in centres for domestic abuse.

We need a resolution to this global issue that affects far too many women and men and most of all the innocent children being caught up in this silent crime behind closed doors. I have created this workbook for the primary reason of breaking the insidious cycle of fear that has overcome far too many lives. I believe it is time NOW to help victims understand how they can break the shackles and actually walk off into freedom and new life. No one should live their life in fear of another person.

I have written a book -SHACKLES Overcoming Domestic Abuse A modern day taboo- for these reasons: to share the intimate details about my life to raise awareness of this terrible crime and prove there is life AFTER abuse - and it can be a life of safety, hope and happiness. This book has been written for everyone who is living in abuse right now, for all who never experienced domestic abuse and for perpetrators to see the ripple effect that their behaviour has on victims and children.

Victims are often held captive in shackles because: out of fear, habit, or low self-esteem they choose to stay and not leave. Getting out is not just a critical message for the victim but for all the innocent children caught up in this silent crime behind closed doors.Vital help is out there and people need to know where to go and what they can do once they leave.

You can turn your life around and begin living in freedom.

Do not stay for material reasons.

Do not think that it is love that you feel for someone who abuses you.

What they give will never satisfy those that are abused because it is tainted love.

Real love is a two way street - not a lonely road to misery.

After I finished my book Shackles sharing my experience living for 34 years with domestic abuse and of how I finally escaped and overcome this silent crime), I soon realised that this wasn't enough to inspire and motivate victims held in captivity.

I felt that victims would need more than my story in order to step up and get out toward a NEW life. I felt that they could use a guide to see them through every step of their fears and indecisions. A guide that would help those once they chose to leave, a guide that would help them deal with their thoughts and relationships AFTER they leave and where they might find help.

First and most of all I want to encourage any person that finds themselves in a violent or abusive relationship to open their eyes and hearts to see the suffering around them.

I too once found myself searching frantically for answers, feeling in despair with all the confusions in my life, taking constant blame and excusing my partner's behaviour and mood swings trying to please him more and more.                                       

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I believe Love can conquer all: that is what I believe even after living for 34 years of my life with Domestic Abuse.  I feel this way by believing in LOVE -    I have overcome domestic abuse by using Love and choices:  we choose who we want to be -- we all have been given free will. If we love and respect one another, cherish every moment we have together we can break the viscous cycle of the horrors of domestic abuse.

Even though we have never experienced real love, have never been taught anything in life about real human values and all the downfalls of life- we can still make a difference in this world by choice.

We have to use our instincts - when our gut feelings from within talk to us, screaming out so many times when we feel something is not right, we have to acknowledge these indicators. If we do NOT listen to our heart and soul then the path for doubting oneself is left open. What I mean to say is that if you feel that you been mistreated and your perpetrator puts the blame on to you, blaming you for his behaviour, then all your buttons of self-doubt are pushed into gear. Alarms are ringing in your heart and soul, trust them and no longer ignore their presence.

We all have free will and choice, we choose who and what we want to be. It is our choice to choose and our choice to lay down the path that we walk.This action is never perfect or easy and whatever decisions that we are faced with have consequences but are far less harmful then staying in an abusive relationship. This is all about retraining our old way of thinking and acting as others may expect us to do. We are not born to please others OR our abusers; we are born to make a difference and to love thy neighbours.

Society and its pressures has more often than not led many of those within its ranks to abuse and also often the real life key essential values of those being abused have been forgotten and/or pushed aside.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

--1Corinthians 13:1

I ask you: do you share such love with your partner. Does he/she treat you right, does he/she care about you enough? Is he/she always available and there for you? Is he/she there to wipe your tears when you are sad?

Ask yourself those questions and if necessary write down the answers. You will then see it in black and white -- your personal dilemma, you will be faced with your reality. The truth always hurts yet the truth will set you free.

I was once was faced with my reality and searched franticly for answers and a resolution for my problems I was left empty in despair. No matter of much truth I discovered it did not seem to bring an end to my problems. I was so convinced that I loved my partner that I chose to ignore MY reality:  the consequences were almost fatal and the effects- the aftermath are long lasting to this day, especially on my children. I believed everything is half was bad, hoping for a better tomorrow fooling and blinding myself.

Taking the blame over and over for my perpetrators behaviour, choosing to ignore the fact that he did not care about me that he wasn't the one to wipe my tears away. I knew the truth deep down but was incapable of putting my deepest inner thoughts into action out of fear. Fear of the consequences such as:  what will happen if I choose to stand up for myself? Where will I go and how would I survive? Am I capable of living without my partner?  Am I comfortable with my own company? All this time I was already surviving storm after storm with the next one lingering right around the corner.  All I did was holding back the inevitable decision to leave the impossible relationship behind and try to make it on my own.

I also know from my personal experience that it is never easy to leave. That vital decision is yours personally to make. Since you have already reading so far, I can only assume that either you feel stuck in a relationship (unable to speak out and not sure which path to turn), or you are a relative, family member or friend of someone living in an abusive relationship. Either way, if you are a victim of domestic abuse - think; is this the life you hoped for? The way that you are living now - are these your dreams and hopes for your future? If you are a relative show compassion, do not criticize -- be there always lend a shoulder, listen and offer to help if the victim is in need.

Are you ready to change your life and that of your children? Just imagine looking back at your life when you are older, wondering what you have made of your life.

If you are ready to change your life and make that vital decision to leave, you need one fundamental tool; "Develop a deep, driving desire to change your life".

Look into your heart and find those dreams you have been buried there, you can get them back out, nothing wrong with it. Dreams do come true: walk toward them, little by little and step by step. You have to work hard to get where you want to be, work towards your goals and ambitions, and use your passion it makes it that much easier.

·         Be aware that you need to start all over again 

·         Be prepared to retrain your brain, learn new techniques to walk into freedom of new life

·         Change the way you think to be able to become a much stronger and happier person

·         Keep your dreams alive and never give up on YOU, this is your life

Apart from this there is the aftermath you have to be aware of and deal with on top of all other things and juggle daily life. This road, this journey, might seem very overwhelming at this stage, yet will all be worth the effort in the end. I walked those endless miles already, I cried, I was angry frustrated and hurt. However overwhelming this may sound its normal under the given circumstances.

I felt in denial most of all when I was confronted with my reality and hoping against hope that there would be a slight possibility that I could return to my abusive partner. Be aware everyone is unique and will experience similar things as you start to work through the pain of the breakdown of your relationship. No matter of how bad and how long you have been together living in abuse, a relationship breakdown involves almost always -- the pain. Yet, if the relationship been consumed with violence and abuse there will be more emotions and hurt feelings to deal with.

Denial

Yearning,

Numbness

Shock

Sadness   

Anger

Anxiety

Relief

Adjusting to life

Emotionally moving on

Before you leave your abusive partner you need to have an escape plan. Prepare and plan your escape into freedom of new life.

Get help making such a plan, create a code word you and your friend/helper will only know in case of emergency to seek immediate help. Very important:  start to document every single incident of abuse, include verbal abuse, time and date. See your doctor and most of all do not be embarrassed to file a police report, this is not your fault, and they are here to help you. Also very important have an emergency bag ready in case of a quick escape, include identifications for you and children, check books, bank info and debit/credit cards, medication and school papers for your children, a spare set of car keys.

You know your abusive partner well. You know when he/she is more likely to attack what triggers their violent behaviours

·         Avoid abusive situation-leave if you are able to

• If such situation occurs always try to be near exits, avoid areas where there are weapons
• Have your mobile phone always with you and emergency service on speed dial
• Know where your nearest refuge is and never be ashamed nor afraid to call the police
• Know where your nearest pay phone is located
• In case of physical attack curl up in corner and protect yourself with your arms around you for protection
• Tell your neighbours/friends of situation, in case of emergency develop a visible code
• Instruct your children of how and when to get help develop a clear signal for them to know when to call for help
• Have a plausible explanation in case your children tell your abusive partner of your intentions to leave
• Never wear scarf's, necklaces that could be used to pull and strangle you
• Keep knives, scissors, sharp utensils locked away
• Doors open, car in drive way and leave driver door open in case of a quick exit
• Have plausible explanations of why you need to leave the house at different times
• Call help lines frequently for support and access emergency housing if needed
  

Can you see and recognize that by acting in this manner:  having to take such precautions -- that this is not a normal, safe and happy relationship. Love is a two way street not a lonesome road to pain, tears and heartache.

This has got to be the end of this road for you and your children. The decision is yours no other then you can make; I know it is hard but inevitable.

·         Entrust to someone and get help -create a code word together only you both know

• Always make notes of time and date when you been abused, keep a diary
• Make photos and see a doctor
• Pack an emergency bag with all important documents
•  Birth certificates, passports, marriage certificate, health insurance papers, credit cards, check books, account details, spare money in case, a set of spare car keys, titles, deeds of property, medical records, Children's school and immunization records, important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools ect., store at a friends, not mutual family/friends
•  Have your mobile/cell always on you and put 999 on speed dial
• Teach your children of how to dial 999 and tell them of what to say in case of emergency
• Make a plan of how, when and where to leave
• Pack spare set of clothes for your children and yourself and store together with all other things at a friend, somewhere your abusive partner will not expect it
• Create a false trail once you decide to leave

• Change your phone number
• Seek and get an protection order against your partner if this is the case
• Put emergency service on speed dial
• Avoid being alone
• Find a safe place to stay
• Change you routine, if necessary you can find emergency housing in a shelter