You most probably justify your partner's actions to your friends and family and you are in denial, lying to yourself and others about your situation. You are not telling anyone about your situation and you do feel isolated. And you taking more time off work and/or visiting the doctor more.

Sadly, there are many symptoms to this sort of crime. If any of this is familiar to you, and you believe you are being abused and want to change your situation, contact a professional who deals with domestic abuse.

 

 

Please note that I am not a counselor, or hold any qualifications apart from having been there and survived myself. The information is neither comprehensive, nor infallible, given on any of these sites.

 

 

What should you do?

There is no excuse for your partner using domestic abuse against you, so you shouldn't make any on their behalf. You have done nothing wrong. Their need to exert power over you may be for many reasons, but you are not to blame.

Above all, it is wrong.

I know you will probably be scared, that your self-confidence might be extremely low and that you could even be putting yourself in danger. But you don't deserve to be treated as a second-class citizen, living in fear.

It is the police duty to protect you. By contacting the police, you can take positive action against the person harming you. You will be consulted throughout, and your wishes considered. You do not need to prosecute your partner - the police will do that, in the UK for sure.

However, if this is not the course of action you wish to take, you can speak to another agency, but the police will always be here if and when you are ready.

 

 

• You have the right to your own private space.
• You have the right to respect as an individual.
• You never 'deserve' to be on the receiving end of physical or mental abuse, no matter what you might be led to believe.
• You have the right to protect yourself from harm, physical or mental, by speaking out to someone you trust. If they don't listen, or find it hard to believe, tell someone else. Help is always out there, but you have to make yourself heard.
• You have a right to leave the relationship. Do this as safely as you can - plan the right moment and stay with trusted friends or in a refuge.

 

 

 

ESCAPE

Domestic Abuse Safety Plan - As Seen on Oprah

Safety and escape planning for someone involved in an abusive relationship is necessary and very important. It is never too late to start planning. Planning can begin while you're still with your abuser or after the relationship has ended. While still in an abusive relationship, your safety is of primary importance.

Keep Steps 1 - 4 in mind when planning to leave an abusive partner:

Step 1. Before You Leave…

   -Get help to make a plan.

Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website www.ndvh.org/help/planning.html for planning help.

   -Create a code word.

A word or phrase to use on the phone with a friend or coworker if your abuser is in the room with you and you need the police to come without the abuser knowing. If you are worried that your abuser may be on to you, decide to use a word or phrase regarding something you would normally talk about, but slightly tweak the details so it does not seem obvious to your abuser that you are saying something strange. Make sure your friends know EXACTLY what that tweak in the conversation means, it has to be obvious enough to them when they hear you say it that they remember what to do. Go over it many times with your friends beforehand.

   -Document your abuse.

Details on documenting your abuse are below. File a police report with every incident. This does not mean that you will have your abuser arrested if you don't want to - you don't need to press charges to file a report. Filing a report adds more weight to your case in order to stack the evidence up against your abuser in the event of a trial. Keep a journal with dates and details of abuse, take pictures, store all of it outside of your home - at work, at a friend's, or with trusted family on your side - even create a free profile on a website like MySpace, make it a private profile so no one can see the pictures, an upload all the pictures to the website so they are all stored there. No one can see your pictures unless you make your profile public but they will be stored there for when you need them. Also make COPIES of EVERYTHING and store it outside of your home. DO NOT STORE ANYTHING IN YOUR HOME or YOUR CAR, where your ABUSER CAN GET ACCESS TO IT. Go to the doctor as soon as you can after every physical abuse incident, which will further solidify that you were physically harmed, which can prove helpful as evidence during trial.

   -Pack an emergency bag.

Details on packing an emergency bag are below. DO NOT STORE YOUR EMERGENCY BAG AT HOME OR IN YOUR CAR - keep it at work, or with a trusted friend - somewhere your abuser does NOT have access to it. You need money, your checkbook, debit card and bank account information, credit cards, identification for you and your children (driver's license, state ID, learning permits, social security cards, passports), car keys, court papers, medications - and whatever else you need to survive without having access to your home. You may want to make copies and have extra emergency bags in different places in case your abuser gets access to one of them.

Step 2. Document Your Abuse By…

   -Keeping a journal.
   -Seeing a doctor.
   -Filing a police report.
   -Taking photos.

ESCAPE

 

Step 3. Pack An Emergency Bag With…

   -Money.
   -Your checkbook and bank info.
   -Credit cards.
   -Identification for you and your children.
   -Car keys.
   -Court papers.
   -Medications.

Step 4. After You Leave…

   -Tell family and friends.

Make sure they know you've left so they don't call and leave messages for you on your old home answering machine and also so they don't pick up the phone if your abuser calls from your old home phone number. Plus they should know that you don't answer to your abuser any longer, so they don't have to give your abuser any information on you or your whereabouts anymore.

   -Get an order of protection.

Give copies of the order of protection or restraining order to your children's school(s) and anywhere else you are.

   -Put 911 on speed dial.

Also put the local police department in the town where you will be staying on speed dial - find the actual number to the precinct. Also put the local police department in the town where you WORK on speed dial as well.

   -Change your cell phone number.

Change your cell phone number and your children's cell phone number(s) to make it more difficult for your abuser to keep in touch and keep tabs on you. It is also good to do this because it will retrict your abuser's access to you, your children, and your lives, making it much less difficult to be intimidated from doing things that are right for you and your children.

   -Change your daily routine.

Don't go to the same places at the same times your abuser would expect you to be there. Go a little out of your way to go to a new grocery store, pharmacy, mall and gym. If there are certain places you can't avoid going to, try going at different times of the day - if you usually go to the supermarket at night, go food shopping earlier, or in the morning, or wait until a different day of the week altogether to go.

   -Avoid being alone.

This seems obvious but if we are used to a certain routine, being alone in certain areas at certain hours do not bother us because we are used to it. DO NOT GET COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR ROUTINE WHEN YOU ARE LEAVING AN ABUSER. Always have a friend with you. Or have someone pick you up or drop you off at your destination - Do not go home alone and do not go out alone at night. Your abuser's reaction to not having control over you any more may lead them to try to exert more control over you when you least expect it. So always be aware of your surroundings - but being aware is not always good enough - so stick to the buddy system.

   -Find a safe place to stay.

Find a friend or family member who you feel safe staying with. If this is not an option for you, there are many shelters available for someone in your position. Find out where to get help in your area by visiting The National Domestic Violence Hotline's website www.ndvh.org/help/help_in_area.html and look up your state.

Find out more about creating a safety plan: Visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline's website or call 800-799-SAFE.

Find out more about creating a safety plan: Visit www.ndvh.org/help/planning.html or call 800-799-SAFE.

*Info from The National Domestic Violence Hotline, www.ndvh.org. Copyright © from The National Domestic Violence Hotline.